if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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