We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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