the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*