The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw