new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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