I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
