I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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