a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
