my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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