Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
