did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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