I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
