very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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