We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
