I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
did i just pee glitter
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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