I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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