i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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