I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
