I can text with my tongue
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
