yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
