what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Randomize
