just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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