i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
