There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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