you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
What drink are we having for lunch?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
