I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
