Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
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