Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
His nipple licking is glorious
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