Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
