I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Randomize
