just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
