My girlfriend figured out who you are.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
