My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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