Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
