I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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