i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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