Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
