Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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