Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
