I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
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I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
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Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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