At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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