yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
