he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
