I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
