Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
