my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
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Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
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I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
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