I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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