no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I'm both gender and math confused
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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