I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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