I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
