Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I checked into jail on foursquare
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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