shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
