I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
sick fucks of a feather flock together
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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