She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
