Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
