I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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